


wrapping my body up in the blanket of self pity

by DaryanCrescend



Series: FE3H Modern AU [1]
Category: Fire Emblem: Fuukasetsugetsu | Fire Emblem: Three Houses
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Felix Hugo Fraldarius Being an Asshole, Felix Hugo Fraldarius is Bad at Feelings, Felix is a mess actually, Glenn dies offscreen, Implied/Referenced Character Death, Implied/Referenced Underage Sex, M/M, Mental Health Issues, Minor Dimitri Alexandre Blaiddyd/Felix Hugo Fraldarius, Smoking, Underage Drinking, Underage Smoking, no beta we die like Glenn
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-15
Updated: 2020-11-15
Packaged: 2021-03-09 20:54:59
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,623
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27582350
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/DaryanCrescend/pseuds/DaryanCrescend
Summary: It's just a stupid childhood crush, right? He's going to grown out of it soon, right?The series of events in which Felix realises that he's definitely gay and in love with his best friend.Modern AU | very incredibly British
Relationships: Felix Hugo Fraldarius/Sylvain Jose Gautier
Series: FE3H Modern AU [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2016209
Comments: 8
Kudos: 56





	wrapping my body up in the blanket of self pity

**Author's Note:**

> cw for a bit of violence, some reference to mental health issues including a character recieving treatment, it's not uwu or pretty sorry.
> 
> everything in here was considered completely normal for the time and place in which it was set (trust me this is how plenty of teenagers were in the mid 00s in the UK) but absolutely none of the behaviour contained within should be replicated in any way if you are the characters ages.
> 
> no beta, we die like men

21/07/2005

Felix's first kiss happened when he was eleven years old and being subjected to the mortifying ordeal known as an end of year school disco. He was in the top year, about to move up to highschool and her name was Mary? Or Marie? Marnie? God he doesn't remember anymore. What he does remember is that she sat on the bench next to him, the one in the corner where he had chosen to hide until Glenn arrived to pick him up, because at fourteen he was deemed very grown up and definitely old enough to fetch his younger brother at 8pm and walk 15 minutes home unsupervised, and tried to hold a conversation with him. Felix was hiding there because he hated school discos and because his friends were too busy to put up with his sulking.

Dimitri was still mister popular back then and had been asked to dance by every popular girl even though dancing at that age mostly meant awkwardly swaying to the slow songs or throwing yourself around the floor. Mortifying.

Ingrid on the other hand was somewhere by the refreshments table absorbed entirely in shoving food into her face and tapping away on her bubble gum pink Motorola Razr that every girl in her class was seethingly jealous of.

Anyway the girl had tried to talk to him, inane kid chatter about how she thought You're Beautiful was romantic, it made Felix want to vomit, and how much she loved the Gorillaz and did he want to dance with her? And Felix had been half way between going bright scarlet because nobody had ever asked him before and trying to tell her he didn't dance when she had pounced.

She'd pressed her cherryade sticky lips to his to the very romantic opening bars of Gold Digger and he had... Well... In hindsight he could have been nicer but he was eleven and she'd surprised him so he'd pushed her away and ran hoping she wasn't going to the same highschool as him.

21/08/2009

His second kiss was much more memorable even though he was most definitely drunk, Glenn had magnanimously bought his little brother, adopted brother and girlfriend a whole ten pack of blue WKD to share, using his newly acquired powers of legal alcohol purchasing, so that they could join in celebrating his and Sylvain's A-Level results. Sylvain was a good half way to wasted on Russian Standard, which the small gaggle of fifteen year olds absolutely weren't allowed any of. Even though Ingrid had called Glenn out on his hypocrisy over the ban considering that he himself had drunk plenty of vodka while underage.

That had probably been a good thing though. By 10pm Felix was sitting outside on the porch smoking one of Glenns Marborogh Reds which was infinitely better than a Richmond Superking and rubbing Dimitri's back while he clung to a garden bucket swearing he was definitely going to be sick. It was probably caused by the sugar more than the single shot of weak alcohol he had actually managed to consume.

The door had swung open and Sylvain had stumbled out and flopped down next to him as the sound of Sexy Bitch assaulted his ear drums. “Twos?”

God Felix hated twos but he had weighed up the options and decided that sharing with Sylvain was probably better than him trying to smoke a whole one and having to deal with two people retching around him. One was bad enough.

“I'll trade you.” Sylvain said offering the vodka bottle. It was a horribly stupid idea, Felix was well aware that Glenn had said to be responsible and usually he listened to his older brother above all else. However if given a choice between obeying a request and impressing Sylvain...

“Felix don't,” Dimitri warned shaking his head.

“Where's Glenn?” Felix asked eyeing the door suspiciously.

“Dunno,” Sylvain shrugged, “Knuckle deep in Ingrid probably.”

Dimitri looked back up from his bucket to give Sylvain a scandalised glance before retching again.

“Gross,” Felix spat, at both of them honestly, and Sylvain just laughed as they made the exchange.

In the end Sylvain had helped him put Dimitri to bed and tidy the whole kitchen so that they would have less to do when they woke up, before the Fraldarius' parents returned the following afternoon and then they had made their way to the garden and sat at the very end on the love seat sharing the rest of the vodka and all of Felix's, then Sylvains and then Glenns cigarettes listening to a bunch of Sylvains indie playlists through the tinny speakers of the iPhone 3GS he'd gotten for his birthday.

“Was it a good party?” Felix asked toying with the frayed edge of the rip in the knee of his jeans.

“Yeah,” Sylvain replied blowing a cloud of smoke out, “Shame I didn't get to hook up with anyone, but there's other parties.”

“Insatiable,” Felix chastised him elbowing him in the ribs.

He must have looked offended because Sylvain frowned at him and added, “it's fine, I got to hang with you instead.”

“And hanging out with me is better than hooking up with some random girl,” Felix grumbled because damnit they're supposed to be best friends.

“I dunno Felix, making out is pretty great, you should try it some time.” Sylvain teased elbowing him right back.

“Who says I haven't?” Felix shot back, even though he hadn't.

Sylvain laughed but something in the air changed. Felix distinctly remembers thinking _please God don't let him know I have a crush on him,_ right before Sylvain hooked his fingers under Felix's chin and closed the gap between their mouths. It was kinda sloppy but Felix still felt his knees go weak, if he'd been stood up he was pretty sure he would have fallen over. Especially when Sylvain ran his tongue along Felix's bottom lip.

“That kiss says you haven't,” Sylvain teased when they pulled apart.

Felix did attempt to get up and storm off but the combination of vodka and Sylvain jumping up and trying to stop him sent both of them careening into the grass in a pile of limbs instead.

Stargazing in a heap with the soothing sounds of Owl City probably wasn't how Sylvain had expected his results celebration to end but it was kind of nice, Felix had thought so at least.

Maybe something could have come of it back then, maybe if Felix had said something instead of being too much of a coward to ever bring it up again but then at the end of a summer spent sticking himself like glue to both Sylvain and Glenn they both packed their bags and left for University and Felix had exams to start taking seriously if he ever wanted to follow in their footsteps.

21/12/2009

“Ingrid wants to know when you're planning on coming back inside or if you're trying to freeze to death out here,” Glenn said stepping out into the porch where Felix was hunched over his third cigarette.

Chaining was beginning to make him feel a bit sick but so was sitting inside listening to Sylvain and Glenn regaling them with university stories that make him feel like nothing but a boring baby. It got even worse when Sylvain talked about all the girls he'd been hooking up with, like being punched repeatedly in the stomach. If he wouldn't get told off for being anti-social he would have made an excuse to go to bed early to avoid it entirely. “It's not even that cold, she's such a drama queen,” Felix replied rolling his eyes hard enough to make them feel a bit funny.

“Felix it's literally snowing,” Glenn sighed pulling out his own cigarettes and lighting one.

“Felix it's literally snowing!” Felix retorted at a much higher octave than Glenn said it in and earned a soft clip around the head for it followed by Glenn using his head as an arm rest. It was infuriating that Glenn was six foot tall and he'd been stuck at five-foot-five for the last eight months.

“Anyway,” Glenn cleared his throat. “What's eating you?”

Felix dithered and shuffled his feet and took three consecutive drags on his cigarette before finally, finally mumbling; “WouldyouhatemeifIlikeboys?”

“Would I what if you what?” Glenn asked removing his arm to look at his little brother who steadily avoided looking him in the face.

“If I liked a boy... would you hate me?” Felix didn't even breathe until Glenn answered.

“Hey, kid, I live with a guy I only just met who put up a lifesized poster of the werewolf Twilight guy shirtless and I'm still making friends with him, why would I hate my own brother for it?” Glenn shook his head and tapped Felix on the chin to make him look up, “But I swear if he hurts you I will have to make him regret it.”

08/04/2010

“So have you done it yet?” Sylvain asked while watching his human rogue Warden and Morrigan squirm around the TV screen in their underwear. Felix was trying steadfastly not to watch, having played Origins all the way through and having sat through the uncomfortable embarrassment of watching his elf mage and Zevran do the romance cut scene already he already knew how awkward it all was.

“Done what?” Felix grumbles.

“You know what,” Sylvain says putting the PS3 controller down as the scene wraps up, he flashed Felix a shitty irritating grin, “You're legal now.”

“No!” Felix threw a cushion at him to try and distract him but Sylvain was like a dog with a bone once he discovered something he wanted more information about.

“Why not? God when I was your age I wanted to stick my dick in just about anything.” Sylvain says swivelling round on the end of Felix's bed and putting the cushion on his lap.

“Because I'm not interested in anyone,” Felix lied through his teeth. You'd think months absence at a time and missing Felix's birthday for the first time since they had made friends when he was four, Glenn had been picking on him for being a stupid baby and as the younger brother of a mean older sibling Sylvain had played legos with him for three hours, Felix would have gotten over his stupid baby crush but no, Sylvain still made his insides twist themselves up. “Anyway you're still not picky about what you stick it in.”

“Excuse you,” Sylvain replied, “I'm very happy with Sophie... Sophia... shit...”

“You don't even remember her name!” Felix sighed thoroughly exasperated and jealous all at once.

“I mean we're not even really dating we've only been out three times,” Sylvain said with the kind of shrug that means he probably had considered it.

“Uh-huh,” Felix replied moving a little closer, they had already kissed before he told himself. Besides he was just messing around, joking, proving a point... He wasn't really going to do it. He would swear even later that he didn't intend to actually kiss Sylvain it was just that when he got all up in Sylvain's face his expression changed and he swallowed really hard like he had been actually holding back and Felix had realised he really didn't want him to hold back; he wanted Sylvain to kiss him like he kissed his numerous girlfriends even if it didn't mean anything.

And oh. _Oh._ When Sylvain grabbed him by the hips and pulled Felix into his lap exactly why everyone seemed so obsessed with climbing each other like trees made sense all of a sudden. Especially when Sylvain pulled him in close and nipped his lip with his teeth, one hand on his ass and the other yanking the hair tie out of Felix's bun so it could tangle in his hair. That alone dragged a frankly obscene noise from low in Felix's throat.

Felix was just about ready to lose both his pants and virginity when a yell of “Boys! Dinner!” from downstairs shattered it. He pulled back breathing heavily and the world crashed straight down around him as Sylvain backed off looking panicked.

“What?” Felix asked wiping the saliva off his mouth and willing parts of his body to start behaving immediately.

“Sorry,” Sylvain replied fixing his hair in the mirror, still looking like a deer in the headlights. “I shouldn't have done that, you're my friends little brother and you're sixteen.”

“So?” Felix challenged, chest constricting. “Glenn's girlfriend is my age, who cares?”

Sylvain sighed deeply and straightened his shirt. “I care.”

07/01/2012

Absolutely nobody was surprised when Glenn proposed on Ingrid's 18th birthday. They held a joint engagement/birthday party the following weekend and of course Sylvain brought the newest girl he was seeing, clearly he'd gotten over the idea of dating dangerously because as far as Felix was aware she was a co-worker. He was sure one day he'd stop feeling like there was a knife embedded in his ribs whenever Sylvain got a new love interest but for now even two years after being unceremoniously rejected he still bitterly considered telling Glenn that the stupid man he had feelings for had indeed hurt him and please do your brotherly duty and beat him up.

“Do you ever feel like a plastic bag is definitely a contender for stupidest lyric in a song ever.” Dimitri commented taking a seat in the corner where Felix is avoiding being sociable.

“I think “I would catch a grenade for you” is pretty stupid too,” Felix retorted taking a sip of his coke and wondering if his parents were distracted enough for him to sneak some alcohol into it.

“It is rather melodramatic,” Dimitri laughed and then nudged him, “Do you want some?”

Felix looked down at the bottle of Jack in Dimitri's hand and nodded emphatically. “You know you don't have to pretend you aren't drinking, right?”

“Not on my medication,” Dimitri told him surreptitiously uncapping the bottle and pouring a hefty shot into Felix's glass.

The medication was a consequence of an unpleasant incident a matter of months ago involving Dimitri being sent to the best facility Rodrigue could afford after having a paranoid episode that culminated in a minor accidental stabbing.

“ _Did I die though?”_ Felix had asked from his A&E trolley while trying desperately to keep his cool and find out where exactly they had dragged Dimitri off and _“please don't arrest him, I'm not pressing charges and you can't make me,”._ Felix feels bad for him and nervous around him in equal measure but at least he has a badass scar. Either way offering to share his contraband alcohol was clearly yet another olive branch and Felix didn't want to piss him off.

“Last year was a weird year for music I guess,” Felix commented taking a sip of the very strong drink as the Gym Class Heroes croon about having a stereo for a heart.

“What are you two conspiring about?” Sylvain grabbed a chair and pulled it up, sitting on it the wrong way around like he thinks he's cool when he's really not.

“Why would we be conspiring?” Dimitri asked sounding a mix of nervous and offended.

“None of your business,” Felix added suddenly feeling protective even though really Dimitri doesn't need it and Sylvain definitely didn't mean it in the way Dimitri took it, if anything once he knew Felix was physically fine if shaken up Sylvain has shown nothing but trust that the situation was under control.

“Hey!” Sylvain raised his hands as if to say 'I meant no harm' even if there's a weird look on his face that Felix can't quite work out. “I just meant because you're hiding away in a corner.”

“I'm underage drinking again,” Felix replied because he could feel some weird tension and didn't like it. “Shh don't tell my dad.”

“Uh-oh watch out, we've got a badass over here,” Sylvain teased, the grin on his face suggesting he was quoting some kind of meme.

The conversation following was nice, Felix had almost stopped feeling resentful that Sylvain had brought a plus one until she came over and started doing that annoying thing girlfriends do when they're not getting enough attention.

“I'm going to go get another coke,” Felix said excusing himself and trying his best not to look like he was storming off.

The kitchen door creaked after him and he turned hoping Sylvain had followed but it was Dimitri instead. “Why haven't you told Sylvain you're in love with him?” he asked without a hint of subtlety.

“Because I'm not,” Felix snapped pouring himself another coke and slamming the fridge a little harder than necessary, only feeling bad when Dimitri flinched.

“I don't know if you're lying to me or yourself,” Dimitri pushed, despite Felix making it obvious he didn't want to talk about it.

Felix grabbed the Jack from where Dimitri placed it on the side and poured himself more than he probably should and then took a large swig from the bottle for good measure. He briefly considered gagging Dimitri with a dishcloth but honestly the last thing he needed was another physical altercation. “Can you not?”

“I just want to understand why you're-” Dimitri started but Felix cut him off in a moment of Jack fuelled bravado getting right up into his face.

Dimitri looked at him nervously and wet his lips and that's when the stupidest idea of Felix's entire time on earth sprung to life. “If I were in love with Sylvain would I do this?” he asked before closing the gap between them and pressing his lips to Dimitri's. Really if he's going to go around kissing people he really shouldn't what's one more on the list? Dimitri did the opposite of what Felix expected and sunk into the kiss.

“Hey, they're doing a toast...”

Felix pulled away as if electrified to stare between Sylvain who looked a mixture of confused and Dimitri who looked even more mortified than he felt and steeled his feelings behind an iron facade. “We'll be through in a second.”

Shit.

16/06/2012

Shit was the operative word.

Felix remembered waving Glenn off at the airport. Remembered promises of getting serious about wedding planning as soon as he returned home. Promises he'd come back in time to take his brother and fiance to university.

The worst memory is the men in uniform turning up at the door. The clearest is hearing his mother howl like her heart had been ripped clean out of her chest. The foggiest memory is the whole frantic drive to Ingrid's house just in time to slam the car into a semblance of parked and springing out of it just in time to throw himself down the garden path to stop her from smashing her knees on the concrete step.

23/06/2012

The rest was a horrible foggy blur interspersed with wanting to scream every time somebody said “I'm sorry for your loss” as though Glenn had gone missing in the supermarket instead of being brought back from Israel in a wooden box. Wanting to tear his father to pieces with his bare hands every time he heard the words “in service of our country”.

28/06/2012

“Felix, please, it's just soup, you've got to eat something, your parents are worried.”

“Ingrid isn't eating either, I know how much this hurts but Glenn wouldn't want-”

All of the care Dimitri could give was met with a dismissive “Glenn's dead he can't not want anything.”

01/07/2012

If he stayed under the covers long enough maybe they would all go away and he could join Glenn in peace. He didn't want to come downstairs and talk their way through the funeral arrangements. He didn't want to go to the funeral the next day. He didn't want to say goodbye or achieve closure. What was the point in a world that he had to live in without Glenn? What was the point in anything? Go away. Just leave him to die.

But in the end all it took was a gentle, “Hey,” from somewhere near the edge of the mattress to send him duvet and all into Sylvain's open arms.

An hours sobbing later and he was finally convinced into the shower. Nobody had washed his hair for him since he was a child but since it was Sylvain he supposed he didn't really mind that much. At least he would be dragged through the funeral clean.

04/01/2020

“I got absolutely wasted about three days after the funeral” Felix blows a cloud of vape into the air. “It probably sounds bad but it was all me, I just wanted to feel better and I guess I thought it would fix it.”

“Were you still..?” Blythe asks taking a drag of her cigarette.

They've been sat in the cold in the beer garden for four hours, long after finishing closing up the bar. Long after Byleth informed them they were going up to bed and made sure their sister had her key and draped thier duster coat over her shoulders.

“A virgin?” Felix sighs, “Yeah, I was.”

“And you two still aren't..?” Blythe asks tilting her head.

“Nah, he's still “straight” apparently.” Felix pinches the bridge of his nose like he's warding off a headache.

“And you?” She asks stretching her bad leg out, knee making a popping sound as she does.

“Pretty sure I'm gay actually.” Felix leans back and pulls the hoodie of Sylvain's that he stole from the office earlier around his a little tighter, “still in love with him too.”

**Author's Note:**

> I promise I'm working on a thing from this AU set this year in which they get their shit together.
> 
> It also comes with a truly wonderful (read: terrible) playlist [here](https://open.spotify.com/playlist/2M8DS8LfeDLo1w0MYOAaeO?si=TcSI7mkbQT-i8RRhQz537g)


End file.
